My Rules for My Wife's Birthday

I have recently informed my wife that, from now on, we will be celebrating her birthday each year in the manner of MY choosing, and because I know the depth and breadth of the love she has for me, I am most certain that my decision will be wholly acceptable to her; and, if anyone tries to dissuade me from my choices, including her, I will simply scoff at the attempts, as I know better than anyone that she understands the profound love I have for her in my heart, and that ANY way I choose to celebrate her birthday will ultimately bring us closer to each other.

Now, many years ago, there was a girl that I loved—very deeply. Before I met my wife, I thought this girl was the best there was, and she moved me very deeply. So, for starters, we will no longer celebrate my wife's birthday on the date that she was born, but rather on the date that my former girlfriend was. Of course, whatever day I choose to celebrate my wife's birthday is not really what is important. What's important is that I DO celebrate it.

There were things that my former girlfriend enjoyed doing that we will be doing on the day of this celebration, even though I know those things have nothing to do with my wife—in fact, they are things that my wife doesn't like at all (she actually hates them). In the end, she will know my love for her, because I clearly state that I am doing those things to honor her.

We will decorate our home for my wife's birthday celebration, but the decorations will all be tied to those things that denote my former girlfriend's interests and loves. We'll sing the loveliest of songs, and even though they will be about my former girlfriend, my wife will know that they're really about her. This annual celebration will be so heartfelt, and so full of sheer joy, that deep in my heart, I know my wife will understand that I celebrate her with all of those things, so that should be sufficient for her to love and embrace this annual celebration of her birth.

And, I will use my wife's birthday celebration to introduce her to many people who will ultimately love and appreciate her (even though the celebration itself has nothing to do with her, but with my former girlfriend). These new friends that my wife will have because of this grand celebration of her birthday is really what is important—not that they actually know her or the things she loves.

Her having more and more friends because of this incredible celebration is what will really matter most to her in the end, because, I do fear that if those people all knew the things that truly touch her heart the most, they wouldn't be at all interested in being her friends. So, as can easily be seen, I know best how to connect her with all those future friends, and she will ultimately be very grateful for my vast wisdom in choosing how and when her birthday will be celebrated. And, I envision that my celebration will end up being the most revered birthday celebration in the world, and will cause vast kindness and goodwill to be fostered among all those who join together in it.

Anyone who would suggest that my thinking here is misguided is guilty of spreading hatred, and is probably a racist, too.

Of course, everybody can clearly see that my celebration has nothing whatsoever to do with my former girlfriend. Maybe it would have at one point in history, but that was just so long ago that nobody in his right mind could ever associate the two. I am not actually celebrating anything to do with my former girlfriend because I clearly, and definitively, state that my celebration is deeply rooted in the love I have for my wife, and nothing else. Others might join into my celebration, and not do it because of their love for my wife, but I do it because I love my wife, and that is so because I say it is so.

Believe me, I know that my wife understands, because she knows my heart and how much I love her. How could she EVER question that?

The bizarre rationalizations in this article are exactly the same as the reasons churchians use for their annual Christ-mass revelry.


Written by Dean Haskins for Way of the Tabernacle. Reproductions with proper attribution are allowed and encouraged.









But now in Yahoshua the Messiah you who formerly were far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ. For He Himself is our peace, who made both groups into one and broke down the barrier of the dividing wall, by abolishing in His flesh the enmity, which is the Law of commandments contained in ordinances, so that in Himself He might make the two into one new man, thus establishing peace, and might reconcile them both in one body to Yah through the cross, by it having put to death the enmity. Ephesians 2:13-16